#335 From Isolated to Out
Scott Benner
Sarah has a story to tell!
Sarah has been living with type 1 diabetes for a long time. Her's is a story worth knowing.
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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.
Scott Benner 0:00
Hello, everyone, welcome to Episode 335 of the Juicebox Podcast. Today's show is with Sarah, Sarah wrote me a long time ago, this one's been a long time in the making back in 2018. She was talking about feeling burned out in isolation, and how she'd gotten through it. Sarah wanted to come on the show and share that story. And I thought that sounded terrific. So here she is. We're gonna get right to it. But before we do, please let me remind you that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, please always consult a physician, before making any changes to your health care plan, or becoming bold with insulin. And know that this episode of the podcast is sponsored by touched by type one. And the Contour Next One blood glucose meter. You can find out more about the meter, including whether or not you're eligible for a free meter, right? At Contour Next one.com. And of course, everything happening with touch by type one starts at touched by type one.org. Please give them a look. All right. Here we go. This is Sarah.
Sarah 1:26
My name is Sarah and I live in the metro Atlanta area, Atlanta, Georgia in the United States. And I've had Type One Diabetes for 22 years since I was 12 years old. So I'm I'm 34. Now I'm married. I don't have any children. But I work with children and families. And so I'm a helper, I'm in a helping profession.
Scott Benner 1:51
Yeah. Okay, that's very cool. Listen, I want to say right off the bat, you were the first person I've recorded about 300 of these now, who is respected the fact that this is a global podcast and said, I live in the United States. And all the other people who are listening around the world are now like, finally, one person came on and didn't act like the United States was the only place in the world. I was very niphas supported by that. It was like, that's nice. Thank you, please, um, let's see, you. She, you didn't want to be on the podcast. Like there's some people who reach out to me and they're like, I want to come on the podcast, they feel very passionately about wanting to say something, some people reach out to say thank you or want to tell a story or something like that. But you reached out, I felt like you were just connecting and saying, you know, the podcast has been valuable to me. And thank you. And I turned it back to you. And I was like, You should come on. And I'm so sorry about that. First of all, no, no. And then you would written me a fairly lengthy but not long and heartfelt note. And then I responded back to you. And you responded back to me again, with more. And I was like, This woman's gonna be fantastic on the pocket. She is not at a loss for what to say. And you're so I was like, This is great. I guess I want to dig in a little bit because you have a long life with diabetes. And a lot kind of happened to you throughout that time. All stuff that I think people are gonna really resonate with. Why don't you tell me a little bit about the time you were diagnosed, although I always wonder that at this point, 20 some years later, do you remember much of it at all?
Sarah 3:23
I remember that. It was, it was an April. So my birthday was on the 14th. I got braces, the 17th and 23rd. I was in the hospital. I remember that the previous fall my mom had been. She was cautious. For some reason. I don't remember what it was about what she was observing about me that made her cautious. My grandmother, her mother had type two diabetes. And I remember that she had my mother had gotten my Granny's glucometer and checked my blood sugar. And and there was nothing to be alarmed about. But then that whole school year, there was this awareness sent her that something was off. She would often ask me, I mean, losing weight, and historically had been an overweight child. And I was in sixth grade that year. She was asking me, she could see what I was eating at the dinner table. So she'd asked me several times if I was going to the bathroom and throwing up after a meal.
And I you know, I wasn't
and I mean, I was excited to be thinner for the first time in my memory. And so I didn't see anything wrong with it. And she noticed one morning that we were in the bathroom before school, we were all kind of in you know in the bathroom together. I'd gone to the bathroom and she noticed that my urine smelled really strong. And so she called and made a doctor's appointment for that afternoon. And it I think it was a Wednesday. And I went, we went to the doctor, and they came back in the room and said, you have to go straight to the hospital. And so I had type one, I think I was in the hospital three days, they, I remember that my parents were anxious that this was going to be a really big problem, because I had always hated shots. This is 97 started with with insulin injections and syringes. They told my parents, they told me in the hospital, you have to learn how to do this by yourself. We won't let you leave the hospital until you know how to do this by yourself. what they meant was you have to learn to give the injections by yourself. And you need to know the basics of how to calculate dosages by yourself, right. And I I did you know i? i? They said I took to it. Like Okay, this is what I have to do. And that I did it. And I remember people being very affirming about that and just kind of this. Oh, wow, you're so young, and you're doing so well. And you can do it. You know, you can do it all by yourself. Wow. The only incident in the hospital that was kind of infuriating was that I had a nurse that got frustrated at the slowness at which I was injecting. And he took it he took the syringe out of my hand and just kind of stabbed my thigh and it hurt. And and my mom said, what do you do it and they told her she's got to learn how to by herself. And you did it exactly the way they told her not to do it.
Scott Benner 7:03
Right? You just need one bad apple right? Like in any in any walk of life and only takes one person to come through having a bad day or the job they shouldn't have or something like that. And you're
Sarah 7:15
having a bad day, you know? No. Well,
Scott Benner 7:17
you were to I don't know if you realize that. Sarah See, isn't it nice of you to think of him but you were having a bad day who you are a young child who had just been diagnosed with diabetes in the hospital trying to learn how to like give herself injection. So yeah, you know, I think as an adult, maybe he could have put his bad day aside and, and let you have yours, you know? Yeah, that's, that's, um, you know, it's interesting, as I realize your mom is like the Sherlock Holmes of diabetes, she just like literally sniffed it out. She's like, peas. Weird. We got to go. And but she was on you for a while, huh? She saw something. She wasn't sure quite what it was. But she was paying attention figuring out what was going on, which is beautiful. Did she have prior experience with diabetes that made her think? What was the weight loss? Just so drastic? It was hard not to wonder, do you think she was just hoping to get your diet from it? What do you think was?
Sarah 8:09
I think it's kind of a combination of variables in that she was familiar with type two through her mother. And her first cousin was diagnosed with type one, at about 12 years old. And the cousin is older than my mother. She remembers observing things and hearing stories about Sandra's diagnosis when she was growing up. I think then, in my mother's a very determined, inquisitive person, like even now, it you know, you say something to her about any number of topics. And she's gonna go look it up on the internet. Like, it's just that kind of person. And then she's going to come back and probably tell you a lot more stuff that you don't care to know. Like,
Unknown Speaker 9:05
it's a little overwhelming at times. Did you know she's like, did you
Scott Benner 9:09
know that? Yeah, I read that. Sarah, did you know? Yes, mom. I see we have a good thing we got to that computer.
Sarah 9:18
It's Yeah. So I think she's always had that kind of personality. And, you know, there are instances where that really pays off. Like, I have to know what this is. Yeah, by that point. My sister was born with some heart defects, and had already had open heart surgery at six. And then Jane was later diagnosed with dyslexia, and my mother's an educator. And so I mean, there were already instances where I think she had learned how to be attentive and persistent and finding any answer
Scott Benner 10:00
She's got other things going on their life too. First of all, let's take a minute for your mom, we should pour one out for her. She's got a kid with diabetes, a kid born with a heart defect, she was probably like, oh, my goodness, what if I just took these kids? You know, I don't know, to the mall, and then I left them there, then I'm back. I'll start over again. It's just very you. I mean, listen, it's tough. And I was just gonna say it, you said you don't have children. But there's this thing that happens when you're building a family. And I'm sure you've had thoughts about this on your own too, but you picture what it's going to be like, and it's not just limited to building a family, it's your life and things and jobs and everything love and you think about this is what it's gonna be. And then when it's not that it's, it really hits you hard. Sometimes, you know, you look across the street. And there's two kids running around in the yard and they don't seem to have a care in the world. You think, how did I, you know, how did this happen to us? It's overwhelming. And a person who pushes through that then is to be lauded, I think like you know it, because there are plenty of people who run into roadblocks like that and run away your mom just double down. She's like, okay, we'll take care of it. And she did her best with it, which I think is all any of us can ask to be perfectly honest. 12 years ago, or excuse me, 20 some years ago, 12 years old, you're 90, you said it was like 97? Did anyone talk to you about technology back then? And if they did, what did that conversation sound like?
Sarah 11:30
Um, no, I don't recall any conversation about technology, I think, at the time. And granted, we were we were living in a town of about 20,000 people four hours south of Atlanta. So there wasn't an endocrinologist in our town. Probably the first couple years of my life with diabetes. I just saw my family practitioner. Okay. And so technology was, you know, graduating to insulin pens, and shorter needle.
Scott Benner 12:08
Isn't that funny? That was a big deal at some point, right?
Sarah 12:11
Yeah. Um, and I don't.
Even once we started going to an endocrinologist in Atlanta, I don't really remember, a pump. Being part of the conversation, I don't remember, there being the qualifier of you have to meet certain goals in order to earn this pump. But at the same time, I don't remember. It'd be unnamed as a possibility, either. I don't remember asking questions about it too much. I knew they existed. Um, I knew that I thought that would be great if I could have one one day. But I, you know, I we
Scott Benner 12:57
just not. But it wasn't something like, like nowadays, where people are just like, I've had diabetes for six minutes. I need one of these and one of these and you know, and they're running around trying to find out about it online. That whole world just didn't exist, I guess.
Sarah 13:09
Yeah, that whole mentality of an empowered patient is really new, and still developing a lot of ways. And so it was very much like, these people have, you know, been educated and they've earned the status. They know, they know more about this, and they'll tell us what we need when we need to know it kind of thing. I think, too, for both diabetes and parents. Sometimes it's also overwhelming, and you're just trying to make it through each day and, you know, have relatively good blood sugars that it's easy to say, Well, okay, if I don't have to think about something else, like advocating for myself.
Unknown Speaker 13:57
That's great. You
Scott Benner 13:59
said in your note that, um, your mom had told you more recently that the doctor told her like, not to nag or push too hard, and that she kind of she followed that advice. I was wondering, because you describe what I think of is a very like, like, what's the word I'm looking for? I've just lost an incredibly common word, sir. Give me a sec. Anyway, it's funny in me explain to you that I lost the common word, I realized the word I was looking for is common. So your mom, your mom used the very common parenting techniques. She just told you. You're a great, you know, Princess is good. She's doing wonderful. Oh, my god, you're young and you're doing that she said all these uplifting things to you. But that doesn't necessarily make those things true. And if you're having feelings that don't match with what's being mirrored back to you by your parents, it's confusing because you even mentioned earlier like she's telling you there's something wrong, you know, really asking you weird questions probably for a 12 year like are you vomiting after You eat and think like, I'm sure it's well, you would never consider that you're probably like, Wait, what? And so you're over here on one side of the dinner table, thinking, hey, it's finally, you know, it's finally my time I'm eating the way I want, I'm getting the body I was hoping to have, she seems like there's something wrong. So you're in a happy place, she's in a concerned place. And now you switch roles after your diagnosis, and you're in a concerned place, and she's pretending we're all happy. And so I was wondering how that ends up impacting you over the years? Like, is it better to be starkly honest with children? And that's my parenting style. I mean, it's not like I don't say, you know, horrible things to my kids, you know, if I don't look at them and think, Oh, God, you know, you're not very good at math, that's gonna be a problem. You know, I don't say stuff like to my daughter, like you should marry up, or we're gonna have a problem here with you like, again, I don't think that but if I did think that I'm saying I wouldn't be that honest. But I do. I am honest with them. Like, if we sit and talk about diabetes, or Arden's thyroid, or something like that, she has a firm understanding of what's actually happening, I can still be supportive and positive, without like blowing rainbows where they don't belong. So I was wondering how that all ended up working out for you?
Sarah 16:15
Well, I don't think that she was all happy, or that there were rainbows or that I was being overly affirmed in some way. I think her tendency, and what actually what I felt like happened in a lot of ways was that she she was checking in and net, in an overwhelming way that to a teenager felt like nagging. Like, are you doing what you're supposed to do? And I was not always that engaged. I mean, I hated those log books, I was notorious for not keeping a log book, and then like scurrying around to kind of, you know, go back through the glucometer. And plug in the last, however many weeks worth of readings and kind of try to remember what I'd eaten and what I dosed and, you know, redo the math. I think the the encouragement from the doctor was, you know, don't kind of step back and let her do it by herself. And yet that felt, I don't think I had the words. I don't, I don't think I had the ability to really process to kind of step back and look at it. But I think in hindsight, it, it felt more isolating, like, Oh, I really have to do this all by myself, and nobody's going to help me.
Scott Benner 17:36
Yeah, I think that's why this conversation is really important, sir. Because I pretty truly believe that a lot of the intentions that people have had in the past around diabetes had the exact opposite impact that they were hoping and or they thought so firmly about, like, What's about these numbers, that's the important part. And they didn't think about you as a person. And I mean, from like the doctor's point of view, because really think of what we're talking about here. Hey, you have diabetes, hey, jab yourself with this. By the way, you might get dizzy sometimes, by the way, you know, this might happen, these things are gonna happen. This all this stuff's going on. And here's a book to write your numbers down it. Can you be like, more confused in your mind, and to believe that a 12 year old is going to be like, oh, a book to write my diabetes numbers? Not in Thank you so much. Like, who's gonna care about that? That's why why me one of the driving forces behind the podcast is me thinking, I don't want to do all this. I don't want to ask my daughter to do all this not because I don't want to do something that will help her. But because it doesn't seem reasonable. Like, I, you expect me to do this for the rest of my life, I think the same way about carb counting. Like, when I see people with a scale, I'm like, What are you doing? Like, you have to figure this out. Like, if the scale helps you figure it out. That's alright, we'll walk around with a scale for the rest of your life like you, you need to find a liveable way to live, you know, to manage diabetes, not just did you didn't lose the other parts of who you are, because you have type one, but they make it seem like it.
Sarah 19:08
Yeah, so I think that the doctors encouragement was, you know, this was mine, I had to learn how to live with it on my own terms. And she had to kind of remove herself from it in order to let me learn what I needed to learn. And if that meant failing, she had to learn to be okay with that. And I think there is some truth in that in parenting.
But at the same time, you know,
a minor still a minor.
Scott Benner 19:39
Yeah, you weren't learning how to ride a bike, sir. Right. It's not like, yeah,
Sarah 19:44
it's easy for us in you know, 2019 to look back at, you know, 97 2000 and say, What flawed systems and people these were, and yet, even the doctor, I go into him with my logbook. He's not seeing a graph like I can see on my phone, I don't know how you make a graph like that in your head looking at individual numbers,
Scott Benner 20:07
right? It's impossible. So
Sarah 20:10
there's been an evolution of data and systems and equipment that everybody's had to adapt to. Every everybody was working with the best that they could.
Scott Benner 20:20
And I'm, I bring it up, I listen to I agree with you, I think I think whether we're talking about politics or diabetes, our history is our history. We can't we can't whitewash it, we have to be aware of what it is. And at the same time, we can't let it continue to repeat itself moving forward. There are plenty of people right now in 2019, who
Unknown Speaker 20:41
are living in 97, for living back in
Scott Benner 20:43
- So you're here to help everybody who's at home right now thinking, Oh, my God, that's how the doctor is talking to me. Am I being Am I being managed? Like it was? Like, it's 1997, while other people are doing these things that, by the way, I believe are easier once you grasp them. Yeah, you know what I mean? And and take up so much less of your time, give you so much more freedom and, and a feeling of confidence and all the things that they were hoping to do. I'm just saying. It's interesting how, at some points, people say these, I don't know, it's a way of thinking about things. That baffles me. situations are multifaceted. And yet the first thing that pops into someone's mind is what they believe the entirety of the answer is, it's like, this kid has diabetes. Now, what should they do? And it's like, somebody thought, Oh, they should write their numbers down so they can track them. And then they stopped talking about it. Like that was the entirety of the answer. It's, you know, it's funny, if you think about the way politics are in my head, so much, say but if you think about political arguments, if you ever have one with like, a neighbor, who's on the other side of you, if you really stop and listen, they're making as much sense as you are most of the time. And, and you just have two different perspectives. So these are valid concerns about a central idea. And you're hearing from other places. That's what makes the community around diabetes and even the podcast, I think, really valuable because I have a perspective, right? And it's, and it helps some people, but there are some people who listen to it and are like, I don't like the guy from the podcast, but I tell you what I like he had Sarah on and she told a story that resonated with me. And and so those are more perspectives on a central issue. doctors need that parents need that people living with diabetes need that? You absolutely can't just go on your gut reaction all the time, because you're just one person seeing one side. You know, there's a there's a dark side of the moon, you need somebody standing over there looking at that part. That scene now we're getting to it. I'm feeling warmed up. You feeling good? We get into it, sir. Yeah. All right. I like it. So yeah, I'm not attacking your mom, I and but I do appreciate how you defended her. You must love her. That's very nice.
Sarah 22:54
Some of this is growing. And, you know, there are some things that I, when I realized that for the first time I feel angry about it. And then I have to step back and continue to process and say, Well, no, I can't totally blame, you know, this person is a part of a system and we were all in it together.
Scott Benner 23:14
Right? It was that time it was that place. It there's a lot of truth to that to that statement. You know what I mean? Like it's it back then. That was excellent care. And so and so you were being given the most excellent care somebody could think to give you important though, to realize 20 some years into it, that you had effects of that moving forward, and that you had to fight your way through it to get to where you are now. I'm interested in when you see nowadays, because I know you talked a lot in your writing about community and how valuable you found it to be and how you were trying to be a part of it too. But what is it feel like? When you're 22 years through slogging through 1997 advice, and you log on to some social media and see some some like person with their like six year old who's got like a five to a one say, and they're like, Oh my God, look how easy this is. I'm killing it. Are you like, I want to come find you and throw you in the water? Do you want to find out what they learn? So you can figure it out to like, Is there like, what's that knee jerk reaction you have when you see someone else doing that?
Sarah 24:25
I'll admit like that. The
written forms of social media, Facebook, the beyond type one, or whatever the name is community. I read it sometimes and they're helpful bits here and there. But the the thing that's been most helpful to me has been the podcasts and just kind of listening to different stories and piecing things together over time. Because what works for one person may not work for me. I mean, especially, you know, the example of a parent managing their child's day. Diabetes a lot bigger than their child is, you know, there are a lot of things about my life that are very different variables. And so to think that their success would translate to much, I don't know that that's, that's the right way to think about it. Although, you know, hearing somebody say, well, we tried, you know, Pre-Bolus thing or, you know, whatever this smaller piece of puzzle is that could work for anybody that that helps a lot. So I don't necessarily necessarily dive too deep on the on others other forms of social media, in terms of trying to apply what people have learned. And plus, just social media in that regard is exhausting so many times because you, you've got so many people who think they have the answers, and are telling everybody else what to do. And they're not necessarily right, or just, quite honestly, that the tone that they're writing is annoying and frustrating. And you're like, I don't want to listen to this person.
Scott Benner 26:06
It's not easy to communicate with others. Yeah. I think people who do it well make it seem easy. And I think that when you when you're not doing it, well, it's it's it pushes people away. Yeah. And so you said something a moment ago, it just warms my heart. Like, if I had wings, I would have flown up off the ground. I was so excited. You said that you listen to the podcast, and sometimes you pick bits and pieces from episodes, and people stories. So I had somebody asked me the other day, like they're like the pro tip series. Like we really like that because it was so focused. I was like, Yeah, it's great. I was like, but that's not how everybody's brain works. Everybody doesn't. Everybody can't just plug in and have ideas downloaded into their head, right? And these aren't, these aren't ideas that are concrete all the time, then it's not like two plus two is always four. And once you learn that rule, you can move on, you know, the idea of like setting up an Excel I always love when people ask me like, how do you set up an extended Bolus, I'm like, oh, it takes practice, like if and what that means is trial and error. You know, practice means trial and error. And I might say it in a way that sparks your imagination, but doesn't get you there. And then someone else will tell a story. And you'll be like, Oh, that's what makes sense. And so when people ask me, where do I start listening to the podcast? I feel weird giving my real answer because my real answer is start at the beginning. And listen through. And I realized that the longer the podcast is up, the more difficult that becomes. But the truth is, as you're listening to me, learn what I'm doing, and figure out different ways to talk about it. And get better at asking people questions that kind of bring out answers that are valuable and get on, you know, guests that are now listeners who understand like, what the bigger picture is, it all builds on itself. And it sounds to me like you had that experience where like, you got a little more, a little more, a little more. And then one day, you were just like, Oh my gosh, I like filled my tank up the way I that I have. I've heard the things now I need to hear. How did that change your actual management? Like, how is your management, like your success or your failures or anything around using insulin? How has that progressed while you've been listening?
Sarah 28:23
So when I first started listening, it was just a matter of, but honestly, like, checking more often. And you know, going from maybe four times a day to closer to 1015, injecting more often because I'd gone I had a two pump for probably 10 or 12 years. And I'd gone back to MDI for a little while. I knew I wanted to get back to a pump, but I wasn't there yet. And I just needed to start somewhere. And I think that's part of the value of the podcast, too, is that sometimes we get in our heads, we think, gosh, I've got to make all these changes. And tomorrow, I'm going to be a better person with diabetes. And I'm going to be drastically different. And that that's, that's part of how we set ourselves up for a fall is that you can't you can't change it overnight. You can't change yourself overnight. And so with the podcast, you can hear one thing and say, Okay, I'm going to work on this. One day, I'm going to work on checking more often or I'm going to work on the bolusing wherever you are. But it's also that it's not just the management that I think the podcast helps with. It's the way I understand my story with diabetes myself with diabetes. It's the emotional component to that. I think the podcast is more holistic in terms of not just how do you manage blood sugar, but how do you live
with diabetes in a way that
I don't get from other places. And that's really what was transformational for me was the thinking. Because it went from this idea that I'm never have to do this all by myself, I'm never going to get a handle on this, I'm always going to be this person that struggles. And you know, is really not taking care of herself. And gradually, I realized I could do this, I could reset, I could drastically change and be this person that I never thought was attainable. And so started listening probably April or May of 2018. By the end of July, my agency was down to like 7.5, I don't even know what it was before. Then I September of 2018, I was on a dex column and Omni pod. And my last agency, I think, was I didn't look it up this morning, I should have it was a couple months ago, but I think it was like 5.6. And I am more comfortable talking about my diabetes. I never, I didn't tell anybody I worked with I and I work in a community of people. It's not just my colleagues. But like, there's lots of people that we serve. I nobody knew, I didn't tell anybody that I had diabetes until about a year ago.
Scott Benner 31:35
Since everyone has a blood glucose meter, they might as well have the best one. And in my opinion, the Contour Next One is that meter. If you go to Contour Next one.com, you're going to see the meter that my daughter has been using for about a year and a half now. And it is far and away the most accurate and easy to use blood glucose meter that she's ever had. I mean that when you get to Contour Next one.com. There's a yellow button at the top where you can check to see if you can get a free meter. That's at least worth clicking on to say. But you're also going to find out about the Contour Next One app that goes with that meter. That helps you make sense of your blood sugar's A lot of you might be using Dexcom or another CGM. But if you're not, these data points you're getting back from your meter. They can be made sense of and the free app that's available for iPhone and Android. It will help you there's really nothing to lose either you're going to get a great meter that's going to supplement your care with spot on blood sugar checks, which by the way, always match ardens Dexcom g sex, it's fascinating how right on they are or you don't have a CGM and you need a great meter. And this is that one. Contour Next one.com F, you're basking in the glow, right? You've got your meter and you're like, Huh, I'm feeling good about myself. Roll on over to touched by type one.org. Check out what they're doing. For people living with Type One Diabetes, you're going to take your good feeling about your new meter, and add it to your good feeling. The touch by type one will bring two good feelings are better than one. So that's Contour Next one.com touched by type one.org. And if you're not able to remember, you can always click on the links right there in the show notes to your podcast player, or the ones that will be found at Juicebox podcast.com. Thank you for supporting the sponsors.
Sarah 33:39
I didn't tell anybody that I had diabetes until about a year ago.
Scott Benner 33:44
Did that make you feel like like you were lying to them?
Unknown Speaker 33:48
In some ways, I wasn't sure.
Sarah 33:50
But it was also that I just couldn't handle what I thought I would get from them. And this I thought I would get judgment I thought I would get people looking at my plate all the time. People checking up on me all the time, meaning well, but just in a way that I couldn't handle. And and so all those things have changed to where I mean, I have part of my job occasionally includes some public speaking. And I have said publicly in some of those opportunities, I've talked about my diabetes and now I never would have happened before. And I mean, I even my mom has said I'm really surprised that you chose these devices that you have because for so long you didn't want anybody to know and now you just wear them on your arm and it's so visible and like you're just out there and I said yeah, I I don't. This is just it's different. Now. I I see myself differently. And I think unless part of my struggle with diabetes, I think is is connected with my personality and this desire to be perfect. Even outside my diabetes, I have a hard time asking for help. I have this sometimes, you know, my, my worst, I get myself into a hole because I think I have to do something by myself. So I'm always learning in different ways in different areas of my life, how untrue that is.
Scott Benner 35:33
It happens to so many people, right? Like the what it what is that saying the enemy of good is great or something like that, like the idea that if it can't be perfect, I don't do it. And therefore, you know, and on top of that you have I can't I can't help. I can't ask anybody for help. You've come a really long way. I want you to know, Sarah, genuinely, because you're from the south. I almost cried just now. And there's a connection there that you won't get for a second. But okay, beak so quickly. And people from the south sometimes speak really measured Lee, so there's nowhere for me to jump in. Because if I jump in with a small thought I throw you off. So I've learned. So I've learned when I'm interviewing people from this out, I just, I hold all my questions till the end. And some people are probably like, yes, idiot. That's right, do that. And some people are like, no, I like the back and forth of the podcast. So anyway, the point is, is that I was sort of forced to just let you talk and not interject what I, I had thoughts that I was trying to, that I wanted to bring up. The reason I do that, by the way for people listening is because I have like the memory of a flea. And so now all the things that I was thinking while Sarah was talking are gone out of my head, so you're never gonna know any of them. But But the point is, is that sitting and listening to you, you came the closest of anybody ever, to making me cry just now. So but just in happiness for you. You described an amazing transformation in an incredibly short amount of time. It must have been mind blowing to you that any of these changes happen in your life. And did they come with great work? Or did they just for the lack of a better term? Did they just happen over time?
Sarah 37:16
I think they really I won't say it's not without great work. But it feels more gradual over time. And I think the greater work.
Unknown Speaker 37:30
I mean, there was this
Sarah 37:34
effort in the end more committed and taking the time just to do the daily stuff. But I think once I had in my mind, this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to reset that was not so hard as just in, in every facet of my life, reminding myself that it's okay to I think because I'm in a helping profession, it is there is this temptation sometimes to think that I have to wait until other people have gotten what they need. And or that I don't have time to take care of myself. And that's a lie like that. That is just the worst thing you could tell yourself. And so it is different opportunities come up or thinking through things and not saying I can't, I'm not, I'm not saying I can't do this. Because I have diabetes, I'm saying learning to tell myself and even tell other people, even if I don't mention diabetes, I can't do this. Because I deserve to be put first.
Scott Benner 38:44
And I refuse to backtrack. If I refuse to go back to where I was for you. It's incredibly important to be able to say no with confidence, and not and not apologize for it. You don't have to apologize for saying I can't do that. Or I don't want to you can't take on the perceived bad feelings of another person, which by the way you might be wrong about to begin with, you know, right, you're now you're now defending their feelings that you don't even know if they have or not. And in the process making yourself feel terrible. Which by the way, I assume if those people knew they wouldn't want for you, and now you've made them and you feel bad.
Sarah 39:25
It's I think, I think what I found is that people are much more. They're much less judgmental than I give them credit for oftentimes,
Scott Benner 39:35
yeah, you know how I put it to my children when they were growing up, and no one cares about you. But I meant it in a nice way. Like what I what I meant was like, so I don't know if I've ever told this. It's a very simple story about my sons, I don't know. 12 1314 years old, and we're often some town, you know, an hour away and he's playing baseball. And it's over. And he's like, I'm hungry. And I was like, Well, you're in luck. Because we're one town away from where Kevin Smith's comic book store is a place that I had visited a lot when I was younger. And I knew of this diner right up the street. So we drove into the next town, I took him to this diner, now it's this older diner, and it had some tables right in the middle. So if you can try to imagine a small space, with tables all out on the perimeter of three walls, and then one table in the middle of them. And that one table in the middle was what was open, we came in, and we sat down. And he was on one side of the table, and I was on the other. And he couldn't focus on the menu, or I said, Are you are right, you feel okay. Like he seemed really wrong. And I was like, No, and I finally figured it out. He did not like that we were the center of attention in his mind that everyone could see him there was no wall to hide against. Did you know what I mean? Like you couldn't put your back to something, you'd be facing people to see what they were thinking of you. And that's the day I told them call these people are here eating. They don't care about you. I was like, and if they're judging you for some reason. That's meaningless to you. First of all, you'll never see them again. Secondly, their opinion doesn't affect you. It doesn't impact you. They can't change your life. And the only power they have is if you let them have it right now. And the oddity of course, is if you let them have that power, they'll never know, it's not like you're gonna stand up and walk over to them go, Hey, I just want you to know, your judgmental looks are hurting me. It's you're not, you know, you're not, you're not going to tell them that. So this is all pretend none of this exists. Everything you feel isn't real right now. Now, that doesn't stop the fact that you're feeling it. And how do we get past that? But I think the first step for him was understanding that like, nobody cares. Nobody's here at this diner to look at you. You know, and, and maybe that's hard sometimes for people who are people watchers, to imagine that other people are not looking at you, and they don't care. So it's very cool that you made such I mean, like, your mom makes a great point, like wearing it on the pot on your arm. That's like, um, that's an arm out situation right there. You know what I mean? Like, that should be on pride day, to be perfectly honest. Hey, that's a good idea. If you're anybody's looking to support pride, people where you're pleased. I can't that's a great idea. Well, think of that next year on Friday. Anyway, um, and in in, I don't want to overuse the term weight lifted. Yeah, yeah. That's amazing. affecting other parts of your life, not if not touching diabetes, yet, has it like, like, rewired your personality in other ways?
Sarah 42:39
And I would say probably, so although I may be less able to articulate it. Maybe I'm not fully aware, haven't totally recognized everything yet. I think it it has given me a different, I always knew diabetes had this capacity to help me be more sympathetic or empathetic to the people that I work with, even if they didn't live with diabetes. But I think that's probably grown. Just as I change in my thinking about some things. I feel like I've changed a lot and how I think about healing and cure. I think there's a difference. And I think our culture largely wants yours. Whether or not we realize it, I think a lot of what we say when we want a cure for something, is that we want it to go away. And we want it to be like it never existed. like it never happened. And I think cures, especially for diseases are attainable. But the reality is that a cure in the sense that I'm thinking about it. And we also want quick fixes and American goals, or you know, we want something right now. But a cure really only works for those people where it's preventing the disease. Because if a cure comes about for diabetes, and you know, something's able to make my pancreas start working and producing insulin again, it's not going to change the fact that I once had diabetes, and that's part of my story. And that experience, changed who I was, and I learned something from it. And I don't know that I want that story to go away. Um, so, yeah, that I would say I've experienced healing, and even something pretty miraculous, with, you know, all of all the things that have happened over the last year to 18 months with dex comment on the pod and those tools that are available to us now. And if I'm sure they're waiting, In which my life with diabetes will improve? in ways I can't yet imagine. But if it doesn't, this is enough. Like, the healing I've experienced in the last year is enough.
Scott Benner 45:15
That's wonderful. Yeah, that's so nice. And it makes my job seem like a little time now, because I was gonna say,
Unknown Speaker 45:21
you can say whatever
Scott Benner 45:22
you want to say like, you know, anybody who's seen the Avengers movies, but what Sarah is talking about is like, she's, you know, it's a snap, like she's talking about, like, people are looking for Thanos to like, show up and be like, no more diabetes, it's over, you know, and if you didn't see those movies, just not along with me, Sarah, and I'll keep going. I'll pull it all together for you right now. Don't worry. But But yeah, you, you just said something that was incredibly impactful, which is, this process is who I am. If you take this all away, then I'm Michelle, but like, you can't take these these experiences, right? And it's important to embrace them as much as you possibly can to because, you know, I said it in, you know, simpler terms. But having diabetes makes you more aware of your health. Yeah, some of the healthiest people I know, have type one diabetes, because they're so incredibly aware of their bodies. And, you know, and some of the most thoughtful people I know, have been through struggles. Not just diabetes, but other things that gives you perspective, it's all perspective. Your, your goal at the end of life should be to have gathered up as much perspective as you possibly can get. Because otherwise, I mean, what are you like, you know, like, you're this just like, you know, one dimensional thinking thing that, you know, is wandering around saying the stuff your parents told you when you were 15. Like, that's not life, you have to, you have to run forward and see what it is you can find out about other people and the world and culture and, and heartache and pain, like all that has to be a part of your tapestry, I guess, you know, like you, you want to, you know, you want to get as far as you can get taking in as much as you can take in. And then that's that because we're all going to go at the end. I mean, and if you're looking to just like, put blinders on and pretend nothing else exists. I don't think that's particularly healthy. You just, it's it's so funny, like, you're describing a metamorphosis, for finding a podcast, which is throwing me a little bit if I'm being you know, if you stop your working miracle, Scott, well, Sara took me 47 minutes to get you to say it. I mean, next day, quicker, please, I, I saved you're just joking. What I'm talking about here is that insincerity is I wrote a blog for a really long time. And when I saw that blogging was sort of going away, and people weren't really thrilled about, you know, reading as much as they had been, I was concerned because I used to think, Hey, this blog, it helps people like I get a note once in a while, you know, Hey, thanks for sharing your blah, blah, blah, helped me. But they were very, like, still surfacey notes like that, I'm sure it was important in their life, but it was, you know, it was like, Oh, I didn't know about this thing for the, you know, for my pump or something like that, or I appreciate knowing about the, you know, the insulin pricing thing. And as I saw it going away, I panicked. I went to my wife, and I was like, this thing that I know is helping people I think nobody's gonna read anymore. I'm like, I think BuzzFeed is going to literally kill my ability to help people with diabetes. And then of all the weird, ironic stuff. Something Katie Couric said to me, because I got to be on her show, because I wrote a book about parenting, because I wrote an inset for a person's diabetes book The year before, because all those things happen. And I got to go do an interview. And when that interview was over, all she did was grabbed me and say, hey, you're very good at this. And I didn't know what she was talking about. I genuinely had no idea what she was saying. I was walking off stage. I'm a regular person from a suburb, who's you know, at CBS studios recording a television show thinking like, How did this happen? You know, and I asked her, I don't know what you're saying, like, what am I good at? And she just said, talking. She said, Not everybody's good at talking. You're good at it. Thanks for coming. And I walked away. And in the moment when I thought my blog was gonna die. Because people just want to click through pictures to see if like Leo DiCaprio got fat, you know, and nobody wants to read anymore. I thought maybe I could talk to people. That woman said to me, I was good at it. You know, like Katie Couric said, hey, you're good at this. And then I took about a week wandering around my house, thinking about what that would look like. And I thought, huh, I listened to a couple podcasts that I like, I should try that. And then four years later, you're telling me, all of this, I hope you understand, has been very transformative for me too. And it's incredibly strange.
It's incredibly strange for me, because I didn't. Because four years ago, five years ago, I didn't say, you know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take my brilliance to the podcasting medium, and find Sarah and save her. You know, like, like, I didn't have any lofty goals, I guess, is really cool to hear how this is affecting you. I'm humbled by it, even though because I was trying to sound fun and funny. Just now, I seem the opposite of human humble. But uh, but trust me, I am. Sarah, are you okay? Because I just talked so quickly. And I worry about I sometimes anybody below like Virginia, I start to worry about a little bit of a lovely email somewhere for a gentleman from a gentleman in Texas. And he said it took him months of listening to the show at a slower speed to be able to catch up with how quickly I speak and he said he was so proud of himself. He's like, I haven't now I can listen at normal speed.
Sarah 51:20
Now, I haven't experienced that problem and listening to you. And you know, today or, or other days, thank you.
Scott Benner 51:29
It's a Texas thing. Let's put it on them. By the way, it's possible. By the time anybody hears this, I will be booked to speak in Houston. I've been trying to get to Texas, I've never been there. So I'm pretty excited about that. But, but Sara, like, I just I realized, you sent me the email to say thank you. And a lot of what you just said was similar. And I'm just trying to thank you back. I'm just trying to be, you know, entertaining about it. But I'm trying to thank you back. Because you don't know, as much as you as much as I don't know, your life and how you feel I can listen to you describe it, I can try to like take it in. But I don't really understand. You know, I never could I don't have diabetes. In that same way. I can never truly get across to you how flabbergasted I am that the things you just said you were saying to me? Like, that doesn't make any sense to me. So it's just very nice. I don't know another way to say it. I'm completely touched by it. And so happy for you that I don't know. I could never tell you how happy I am for if people will follow me on social media. When you guys put something nice up, I just throw a blue heart on it for diabetes, because if I start responding to you, I'm going to be all like, Oh my god, this is amazing. You did so well. Like I get like, I get like too much, you know, and so I just I throw those blue hearts on one because you guys are nice enough to share the show. And these things are happening more frequently. And I am genuinely managing all this by myself. And I'm starting to run out of time but but because I know I would just start to just be like, wow, how did you get your a one see that loan though? Like the podcasts? I'm like, That can't be right. Like Like that's because I know me getting a mean, and it's hard for me to imagine. I wanted to ask you a little bit. You've referenced a number of times like you have a clear like caregivers mentality. But not that you can't and not have children but you don't have children. Do you think that you I says so personal but you've said so many personal things here? Screw it, I'm just gonna ask you do Did you want children but you can't have them?
Sarah 53:46
Or, I'm not aware of if that's the case, but we'll put it that way. Um, I never felt like I just never felt like I had to have children. Like there were things in my life that I felt like I could not live without doing and my work is one of those things being married to my husband is one of those things. giving birth to a child is not one of those things. And there was always this back of my mind thing in the back of my mind, especially when I was not the the when I didn't take care of myself in the way that I am now that like I knew, like I can't even take care of me. How am I going to take care of another person? I just I wasn't sure that I could ever get there now. I mean, today I know that if I needed if I were to get pregnant, I could manage my diabetes or pregnancy and everything would be okay. But I didn't always know that about myself. But in this sense, the decision we've made is really more out of a sense of calling. I my work I worked on to church, my children's minister. And I really feel called to help families be their best and to help parents be their best with their children. And don't feel called to give birth to my own.
And my husband has his own
variation on that, that calling but we've reached this decision together, you know, that he doesn't feel called to, to have biological children, there may come a day when we choose to foster that won't be right now. But I think if if, if we parent we would be Foster, if we parented with children in the home, we would be foster parents, and I think I see what I do as a type of parenting that we really all, you know, I'm not taking on as much of the responsibility as a birth parent does as someone who has children in the home. But I am a influential adult and these children's lives, and that matters. And I take that seriously.
Scott Benner 56:01
Such an incredibly responsible thought, you know, let me like because it's so easy to be pressured by other people into feeling like I have to, you know, I'm supposed to grow up and meet somebody and get married to make a baby like that feeling that, that that's what people expect of you. And it's interesting, because you are you were in so many other ways in your life pressured by what other people thought, but not in this one, which is a bit which is a big one.
Sarah 56:30
And I still want I still struggle sometimes with like, how will somebody see me or think that? Like, will appearance I work with, take me seriously and think that I have something meaningful to contribute to them? Since I don't have children or my own?
Scott Benner 56:48
Well, I'll say this to Sarah, I don't know, there is some self doubt
Unknown Speaker 56:51
there. I don't have type
Scott Benner 56:53
one diabetes, do I have something meaningful to contribute to it? Yeah, you do, too, you know. So again, that's a different perspective. I tell people all the time here like it's, I can be dispassionate about it, because I don't have it because all the things that you've described today don't affect me, because I don't have diabetes. So I get to think about the, the more I can think about the nuts and bolts idea without being clouded by, you know, things as serious as worrying about making my blood sugar low. Or if somebody will see me in jacked in public, I was able to, at some point, look at my daughter and say, I think it makes most sense for her psychological well being if we give her insulin wherever we are, and don't run to a bathroom and hide or feel like hiding is what's necessary. Now, she might not have felt like that at the time. But I did. And I got to decide. And so you know, sometimes you need someone who can step back from things and say, Look, I know how you're feeling. But this is the way to go. And I think you probably can do that for people too. I mean, honestly, not being pressured into having a baby is like the most responsible thing I've ever heard in my life. If you don't want to be a parent, you shouldn't be here. Many people are walking around or parents who don't want to be parents. It's hard. Yeah, you know. So that's really beautiful. Like, it's such a kindness, like to a baby, to you, to your husband like to you know, the things you're going to do together. I'm now excited about the things you're going to do together. I have a picture in my head of, you know, you're feeling better. And your blood sugar's are where you want them and you're moving in this new direction. I feel like you're gonna, like go forward, like a million miles an hour and just do things you didn't ever expect it.
Sarah 58:31
Yeah, we're excited
Scott Benner 58:32
that you are how did you not tell me you were a youth minister, before we started, I'm sure there was like 10 things I said, I wouldn't have said if he told me that. No, you're totally fine. So I did. I didn't
Unknown Speaker 58:41
know I think sometimes.
Unknown Speaker 58:46
Sometimes we don't tell because it's good. When we don't tell you.
Scott Benner 58:52
Yeah. Yeah. I like that. It's so funny. I run the podcast the same way people are like, do you want to know about like that? Not really, let's just go. Because if I know something, then I'll start. Like, then I'm just reading your email, you know what I mean? Like, then we don't need the podcast. So and then it's a blog, which by the way, people won't read. So blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, this is what we need to do. So Sarah, you've helped a lot of people today, you don't realize that and it wasn't really today, because this will come out, like, you know, four months from now. And you'll, you'll be like, I don't even remember doing this anymore. But it's just incredibly kind of you. Because you this was not your intention. And you did it anyway. And then you were just insanely honest. So this is really nice. I have had a couple of interviews where we've stopped the recording and then people say something and I think why did you not say that while we were recording? Like you're like that was the truth right there. How did you not get to the truth by recording but I think you let the truth out pretty well. Okay. No, I thank you very much. I have to tell you as a person who I believe is a caregiver at heart to, it's not easy all the time. And that feeling that you know, other people come before you is, is lovely. And it's kind, but it's dangerous for you, you know, sometimes so you absolutely just have to go with any number of those silly thoughts, but you know, they are masks fall out of the airplane, you got to put yours on first is sort of the one that that always rings in people's heads. You can't take care of other people, if you're in need as well. So I love that you're taking great care of yourself. I thrilled that it came from this podcast, like that's just insane. I'm just really, I don't know, this is like the nicest. I'm gonna have the greatest day now. Yeah, I'm so happy. I'll probably get hit by a car later. And so I'm sorry, that's an inappropriate. I want to just ask you if there's anything that you pressingly wanted to say that we didn't get to.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:04
And we don't think so.
Scott Benner 1:01:05
Good. That's amazing. In that case, Sarah, I'm gonna say goodbye. And then I'm gonna stop the recording and say goodbye to you like a person. And their I imagine you'll study something incredibly impactful that will change the world while we're not recording. So yeah, actually, if you have an impactful thought, just keep it yourself, because it'll just make me upset. Okay. So huge thanks to Sarah for coming on the show and sharing her story. And thank you to touch by type one.org. And the Contour Next One blood glucose meter, a blood glucose meter where you can touch the the blood with the test trip, and it doesn't get it quite right. And that doesn't waste the ship, you can go back and do it again. Hmm. I like that idea, right. Plus, this little form factor fits in anywhere you want to keep it your pocket your bag, big enough to hold on to small enough not to be in your way. Let me take a moment to thank you for continuing to listen during the covid 19 crisis. very appreciative hear stories from other podcasts, and it's not going quite so well for them. And I really appreciate that you guys are sticking with the show and listening at the same pace. It's a it's heartwarming, actually. I'm glad to be there. I get a lot of nice notes from people are like this podcast is like the constant for me bomb, you know, stuck in my house or not working. And I'm glad that it can be that for some of you. It's really wonderful. That's pretty much it. I mean, unless you want to leave a glowing review on iTunes on Apple podcast. I mean, I'm not gonna say no to that. guy's got anything else. This is not much of a two way street on conversation. So I feel like I can hear you saying no, Scott, we're done. Thanks. You want to know what the next couple of episodes are gonna be? I don't do that very often. Should I? I think there's an afterdark coming up that you're really going to enjoy. I'll say that much. And Dr. Edelman is going to be back soon to give a Coronavirus update and we're going to talk about integration back into life. That should be really interesting. And there's a lot of other good stuff. I'm going to hit this psychological bend a little more around the way diabetes makes you feel in the next couple of episodes. I like this make a little theme week. But that would be weird. If I made a theme week that does not seem like something I would do. I wish you would just forget I even said that. Thanks so much for listening. Hey, guys, there's new merch at Juicebox podcast.com. If you want to check it out, there's these neck Gators. I just got one I've been wearing to the grocery store. It's very cool. And a couple of new t shirts. And you know what I'm saying? Otherwise, share the show with a friend. Oh, and don't forget diabetes pro tip.com is available now. It's completely free. It just calls together all the diabetes pro tip episodes from the podcast into one place. So I was hearing from people like I'm trying to share the pro tips but this person doesn't understand podcasts. How do we give it to them? diabetes pro tip.com. Have a good day. I'll see you soon.
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