Arden's Hands are Growing

Yesterday morning I entered Arden's room about an hour before her alarm was scheduled to sound. Her DexCom G4 was asking to be calibrated and so I put a test strip into the OmniPod PDM, turned the MultiClix to a new lance and took my daughter's hand in mine.

As I was choosing a finger to strike a hole into, I noticed that her hand felt heavier then it did the last time that I held it to test. I was certain that it hadn't grown bigger since the day before, but yet it felt unmistakably heavier. I sat on her bedside as the machine did it's job and found myself feeling lucky that I have these moments with my sleeping girl. Not too many people get to do this I thought. I get to hold Arden's hand almost every evening after she has fallen to sleep and those moments give me a different perspective on her growth and allow me precious time to gaze at her growing face.

So if you are in need of a silver lining today, maybe this thought could be one for you. We get to hold our kid's hands while they sleep. 

Diabetes Forecast Magazine

Keep your eyes open for an interview with me in the upcoming June issue of Diabetes Forecast Magazine. I'll be featured in an article titled, "Fathers Know Best".

Diabetes Co-Stars

Click to help DHF

Sanofi US is supporting the Diabetes Hands Foundation with an initial $10,000 program sponsorship. But, when this documentary reaches 10,000 online views, Sanofi US will double that sponsorship for a total of $20,000! Please consider clicking over to help DHF receive this donation. 

What is the Diabetes Hands Foundation?

At the Diabetes Hands Foundation, we believe no one touched by diabetes should ever feel alone, because together we become stronger and have the power to generate positive change in ourselves and our community.

Diabetes can be a very isolating disease, so we provide platforms where people with diabetes and their loved ones can connect and have an open dialog about their experiences with this chronic condition. Instead of looking at the disease, Diabetes Hands Foundation seeks to understand, connect and energize the millions of people living with this condition.

Sesame Chicken you Motherless $%&^@

It was a long Sunday and the nights hours were burning away quickly. We just wanted to have a fast and easy dinner when we made the call. It ended up being anything but.

I pre-bolused. I counted carbs. I over-estimated those carbs. I set temp basal rates. I did everything that I know how to do and two hours later, it appeared as though my foresight had won the battle. Arden's BG was 150 two hours after insulin and some ninety minutes after she finished eating. I was victorious!

That victory was however, short-lived - Chicken and rice... not so nice

The next few hours were a slugfest. I traded punches with diabetes all night. It hit me in the jaw, a countered with a bolus. It responded with a gut punch, I shot insulin with a needle. Uppercut, water bottle. Jab, Temp basal. We went back and forth like two prize fighters in a ten round fight. This exchange went on until four in the morning, I was staggered by the unrelenting nature of the attack. Defeated physically as well as spiritually.

We just wanted a number four with dumplings

It's so incredibly frustrating at times. The old diabetes adage really does stand true. You can do everything that you did the day before in the exact same situation and get completely different results. We don't make a habit out of Chinese take-out, but I was certain that I had developed a great system for combating those crazy carbs. Not on this night I guess, my best laid schemes failed me.

 

But little Mouse, you are not alone, In proving foresight may be vain:

The best laid schemes of mice and men

Go often awry

The most difficult part of staying up overnight in these situations isn't the loss of sleep, though that did eventually catch up to me. It's the stillness of the dark and how it allows you the time to reflect on what the high BG is doing to your child's body. The darkness makes me want to be better. Do better, make better decisions. I do a fair job of not beating myself up in these moments, I try to learn their lesson. Knowing that you are standing in the dark with me helps keep that attitude in the forefront of my mind. We are only alone in these moments if we forget that somewhere, there is another person just like us, having the same doubts, fighting the same fights. The DOC is always with you!

Hoping vs Living

I want type I diabetes to be cured. I hope in my heart that it happens in time to benefit Arden, but I do not spend time hoping for a cure. I try not to confuse hoping with hope, though it's difficult on some days not to.

This morning while I was doing maintenance on Arden's Day, I noticed that a Google user found my blog by searching the phrase, "how close is a cure for type 1 diabetes" and my heart ached for them.

If you are that person, or more likely, if you are a person who has diabetes or loves someone who has diabetes...

Please know that I have felt like that too. I've wondered in my mind, cried out loud and franticly searched the internet for the answer to the only riddle that matters. I think that it is immensely normal to hope and thoroughly human to fight for that hope to become your reality. I relate to the feeling that would lead you to a web browser. I know how difficult it was to type your query.

You are not alone. I understand. I know what it feels like to want to blur the line between hope and the grand amount of fortitude that is required from you every day - I know that you need a break. The only advice that I can lend with confidence is the advice that works for me. Don't give up. There is nothing worse than giving up. Fight. Try to be hopeful without hoping. Be strong when you are anything but. How do you do that? You don't give up. When that doesn't work... when you drift away from reality and hoping seems like a great place to escape to for a little while... Find someone who understands, let them lend you the strength that you need.

There is an entire community of diabetes advocates online that understands how you feel. Find them. They are on Twitter, FaceBook, they write blogs - find them.

Another great place to meet people is on the DSMA twitter chat that happens every Wednesday night at 9pm EST. It's run by a wonderful woman named Cherise and is a great place to meet other people just like you. Learn more about DSMA at this link.

We don't live with diabetes, diabetes lives with us. We have the power. On the days that it feels otherwise, find someone who understands because nothing is more powerful or more renewing than community.